I want very much to write these words without bias, with a corporate sense of our world, and in faithfulness to God, whom I serve through the church. To be totally objective is impossible. To be open to new possibilities, insights and experiences is both threatening and exciting.
My desire for unity within the Christian family has always been a priority. I grew up in the Lutheran Church and am now an Anglican priest. Since I was a child, I have believed that it wasn’t important what your address was, but rather that you were “at home” with God. How little I knew about the complexities surrounding the truth of that statement.
The subject of interfaith marriages is too personal for me to write solely as a priest, theologian and pastor. My son, an active Anglican, has married a woman from the Sikh faith. Mark has a strong faith in God and has been nurtured with the stories of Jesus and all the glorious rituals of our church. Family loyalty and support has been a priority in our family life. In this context, there was tension, to say the least, as we prayed that my son would some day be acceptable to Sonia’s family; and there was sadness in seeing her living this relationship as a secret that her parents could not share.
But we are one of the fortunate families. Sonia’s family, at the last hour, accepted the wedding and have now fully accepted, and delight in, their relationship with their son-in-law. However, it is not without complications and misunderstandings, and family on both sides have a great deal of learning and growing to do in the years ahead.
The Anglican Church of Canada has, in the last decade, produced guidelines for interfaith marriages. In the preamble of the document, the church recognizes the multicultural and multifaith nature of Canadian society, which will likely increase the number of marriages across faith boundaries.
“Such marriages may bring rich cross-cultural experience to the couple and their families and also contribute positively to the texture of a new and emerging society. On the other hand, they sometimes cause strain between the individuals and their own faith communities, and this strain unchecked may sometimes affect the quality of the relationships themselves.”
FREE CONSENT. The clergy involved in interfaith marriages are asked to give careful consideration to the theology of Christian marriages. The document states:
“A Christian understanding of marriage is rooted in a Christian understanding of humanity. It is therefore better to speak of a ‘Christian understanding of marriage’ rather than of ‘Christian marriage.’ A Christian understanding of marriage includes at least the free consent of a man and a woman to a loving relationship which is lifelong and exclusive. It is therefore open to all, whether or not they are Christian, even though Christian tradition and thought have a larger and richer vision of marriage than this minimal standard.
“However, although marriage as understood by Christians is not open to all, not all necessarily share that understanding. Where an understanding of marriage is in sharp conflict with a Christian understanding of marriage, the marriage of interfaith partners in a Christian setting may not be appropriate.
“In Western Christian theology the ministers of marriage are the couple themselves and this applies to the partners in an interfaith marriage as well as the marriage of two Christians; the church is present at marriage ceremonies to bless and to support.
“(The partners) may bring diverse religious and theological understanding to their marriage. An interfaith marriage involving a Christian should not question or deny the Christian understanding of marriage as it is reflected in such biblical passages as Mark 10: 6–9, Ephesian 5: 25–30 and also in the exhortations in the marriage rites of The Book of Common Prayer and The Book of Alternative Services.”
Pastoral considerations of the clergy for the couple should cover such issues as their commitment to a lifelong union; the mutuality of the roles of men and women in today’s society; the cultural and religious assumptions of each person; their openness to the diversity of cultural and religious festivals and a willingness to participate in the rite of the other partner; their understanding of family life, particularly regarding the nurture, education and faith development of their children; and their willingness to respect what is good and life-giving in the cultural and faith traditions of their extended families.
The Anglican church allows that the marriage rite from The Book of Alternative Services may be adapted with the permission of the diocesan bishop. The rite is both Christian and Anglican but allows for some changes to be made with sensitivity to the faith tradition of the non-Christian partner and his/her family. The following observations require attention:
- the centrality of God is at the heart of the liturgy;
- language referring to God is always included;
- expression of our trinitarian and Christological beliefs are implied in the worship, but may not be specifically named in consideration of the non-Christian partner;
- music, prayers and suitable ritual gestures from the non-Christian tradition may be included;
- a religious leader of another tradition may be invited to participate in the service;
- a reading from the gospels and the Lord’s Prayer are to be used;
- the eucharist is not celebrated at an interfaith marriage;
- the vows and the blessing of the marriage are according to the Anglican rite of marriage.
PASTORAL CARE. It is important for the clergy, in dialogue with the couple, to determine where this marriage can most appropriately be celebrated; in the church, or in a civil ceremony, or in the partner’s faith community. According to the guidelines of the House of Bishops, an Anglican priest may not preside at a marriage ceremony in a domestic or outdoor setting.
The guidelines on interfaith marriage indicate that under certain conditions, Anglican clergy can participate in the marriage rite of another faith community. When clergy are asked to be involved in an interfaith marriage, as presider or faith representative, they bring to the couple a commitment to care pastorally for the couple and to assist them as fully as possible in the nurture of their marriage.
As a priest, I fully recognize the possibility of watering down the rich faith tradition that is my experience. I am not alone in this concern. Seeking the lowest common denominator in any interfaith exchange, be it worship, marriage or living as global neighbours, is to make less of what and who we are created to be. Our Christian doctrines of baptism, forgiveness and atonement – to mention just a few – make for interesting and sometimes frustrating dialogue with brothers and sisters of other faiths.
This should not surprise us. Doctrinal dialogue among Christians can be both interesting and frustrating. Doctrinal issues may never be fully resolved. As I reflect on issues that concerned “early church fathers” and as I now dialogue with “late church mothers,” I am immensely aware that there will always be an expanding edge in our attempts to define our faith.
Questions will continue as we recognize that not all Anglicans are in agreement about interfaith marriage. It is important to all Christians to have ongoing dialogue regarding our understanding or misunderstanding of the universalism of Christ.
I believe that interfaith marriages are not about evangelism but rather about sharing faith experiences and offering pastoral care as the couple seeks to express love with integrity and respect in their relationship with one another and with the Holy Other.
Our different faith traditions have a responsibility, at the very least, to enter into the dialogue regarding interfaith marriages. Church leaders have a significant role to play in modelling the dialogue. I suspect that the greatest potential for understanding, mutual respect and the common nurture of our different faiths exists within the families of the couple. This then necessitates a clear and informed understanding of our own faith. If we believe that we are all part of the family of God, then a healthy starting point exists within the families who experience this opportunity. We will need to share our stories and listen to the stories of others.
Questions will arise over the celebration of holy days and the nurture of faith for children born into an interfaith marriage. Some of us will weep silently as grandchildren are not baptized. Some of us may be blessed by a deeper sense of the gracious and all-powerful presence of the Holy One in our midst.
Today, many of us, clergy and laity, often struggle to define our “picture” of God. It is a detriment to all of humanity that we so often make the picture smaller, out of our fears and our needs for control, rather than enlarging the frame. Once again, as history has proven, our children will lead us into uncharted waters. I pray that we will have the grace and faith to follow, and the wisdom and love to guide them.
